Today I am hurting. Bad. Today I feel like crawling into a hole and just disappearing from the world. Let me explain. In the financial situation I am in, I understand that there are things that are not possible. There are experiences that my children will not have. Thats ok. You can’t miss what you do not have, right? What I can not live with is telling my kids that they are going to go somewhere or do something and then take that away. That has and is constantly being done to me and it is a horrible feeling. Being told I am getting a raise for a certain amount of money, but then getting less. Being told I am being given a house, and then finding out it’s being sold. Being offered to pay for my student loans and now 10 years later I am in $37,000.00 of debt because those loans were not paid. I swore that I would not do that to my children.
So, when I got the call today, that day camp was going to cost $700.00 more on top of what I paid my heart died. I understood when applying for a scholarship that summer day camp is very expensive. I was pretty sure that even with a scholarship I would not be able to afford to send my two boys, but with a positive mind, I filled out the applications and with embarrassment I sent in my financials. The call came-pay only a certain amount and the boys can go. I could not believe it, I could afford to send my boys to camp-a feat I never thought possible. I was so excited. When I got home I told the kids-this summer you are going to camp. A big yellow school bus is going to pick you up and you are going to swim and play with other kids all day. We went online and I showed them videos and pictures. This has been the topic of conversation in my house, all day, for two weeks.
So you can imagine the feeling that I got when the call came this morning telling me about the extra fee. I wanted to yell and scream and curse at the director. How dare you offer my children something that I can now not give them? How dare you make me the person I swore I would never be? How dare you make me say yes when it actually means no and disappoint them? My heart is broken. I am afraid of how these boys will look at me when I say that YES actually means NO.