I am being watched. I am being tracked. Not by my abuser (although who knows, maybe they have internet in prison). By people that I deal with everyday. People that I thought were friends. They take my words, use them against me. Make judgments about me. Use my experiences to talk about me. They read into every word, every line, every syllable and twist and turn them into a negative. They refuse to even for a minute take any responsibility. They refuse to even consider that perhaps THEY had a part in my feeling low and just reacting instead of responding.
So what do I do? Do I turn off my blog? Do I sit quietly, revert into a shell. Go back to being a scared, tiny person, who is afraid to speak? Who is afraid to stand up for myself? Speaking with some pretty smart people, whose opinion I very much respect (even though I do not always agree with) I will be the bigger person. I will take the step to make things right. If the problems continue, well at least I can say that I have done all that I can. If things dont get better, well then it will be time for me to re-evaluate. Time to make some hard decisions about where I am and where I continue to be. I have been forced to edit my true feelings. Honestly I am feeling abused today.
Sometimes there is value in silence. Silence is golden. So perhaps for a little bit, this blog will be vanilla. I really do not know what to do. Do I shut it down? Do I create a new one? I have no idea.