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The price we pay to get through the day

Stress is a funny thing. Not as in ha ha I am enjoying all this stress, more like “Hi I am stress and remember when you thought it had it all under control? I am going to throw some more shit at you and sit back and watch you unravel. Ha”  These last 6 years have been a mess. Abuse, DYFS, job shit, legal shit, all of the above. Through it all, I pretty much thought I had it figured out. I dealt with each issue, one at a time and did all unmedicated. I looked each challenge in the eye and knocked it to the ground and beat the shit out of it until it just could not stand up and bother me anymore.

I am tired of fighting. Fighting with the courts, fighting with the schools, and most of all fighting with myself. It was brought to my attention this past week that I have no support system, No one to really sit down and talk to. I never really thought about it. I just never had any time. Between my job, my kids, and school there was no time for life outside of what I was doing. And now I am paying the price. I look around and realize that within all this fighting I have lost myself. I know what I want to do with my life, I know the type of mother, wife, and friend I WANT to be, but I really do not know HOW to be that person. 

I struggle on how to see myself aside from the abuse. I am looking for that woman that was there BEFORE that time of my life. That outgoing, happy, secure woman. I see a glimmer of who she is but each time I feel like I take hold of her shirt tails, she takes a quick step and shes gone. She is always just a few steps ahead of me, just slightly out of reach, 

As I near my birthday it saddens me to admit that I have no friends. None. Not one. When I am sad, I do not have anyone to reach out to. There is no one that can rush over to my house in a time of crisis. No one to watch my kids in case of emergency. I spent so much time lying about what my life was, that in that process I lost all those that were dear to me. I recall one person that I cut myself from when the abuse started. Looking back, I am sure he would have stopped the friendship, but I did it first. I was so ashamed and afraid that I just cut her off. I loved her so much-we went through so much together. I was there when her mom passed, she watched my oldest son being born. When my life calmed down, I reached out to her. I apologized for leaving, but I tried to explain to her why it was necessary. It was in an email that she broke my heart (this was not a sexual relationship, she was my very best friend in the whole world, like a sister to me). I was trying to reconnect. I was doing ANYTHING I could to try and get my life back. After emails back and forth about possibly getting together this was what she said: 

U have to understand y I’m so apprehensive. I’ve been thru a lot n adjusted to the way I go about my day to day so its hard to just fit u back in. Not sure that came out right. Its sounds ruder than what I mean. But ya know

 

I kept that email. It was sent in 2009. We were friendly for a little bit after that, but not like it was. She moved on, While I was going through my abusive nightmare, life went on without me. Now that I am safe again, well it seemed like everyone was having a hard time fitting me back in. That rejection hurt. It ripped open that wound that was still healing. I was alone. I am still alone. And I am really angry. 

 I am so angry but I see that my anger is not an emotion. My anger is a reaction to my sadness and my fear. It is easier for me to be angry than it is for me to be sad. I am able to funnel my anger into action. But when those fights, are fought, and the anger is removed, I am still sad, I am still afraid. Most of all, I am still lonely. 

 

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8 thoughts on “The price we pay to get through the day

  1. Abby, my dear, be patient with yourself. You are never going to find the old Abby in there. She is gone, not entirely, but you have been changed, quite traumatically, to the core of who you are as a result of the abuse and loss and stress you have endured. But I know from personal experience that once you wrestle this beast to the floor and subdue it, you are going to find someone blossoming who is far stronger, more courageous, and more beautiful than you remember ever being before. The kind of strength and beauty that only can come from perserving and overcoming such trauma. I think in your case (as in the case of all single parents who have fled abuse with children beside them), you do not have the time you urgently need to be able to sit down and search within yourself, alone, to reconcile what’s been lost and what remains. You have no time to reinforce the positive things you find during this search, and you have a hard road ahead to learn all the wonderful new things about you that I know are just bubbling in there, bursting in anticipation of introducing themselves to you.

    You can’t spare the time to focus solely on Abby, because you have the kids. I know they are your world, you love them endlessly, and probably as a result of the abuse you all escaped, you love them more than anyone besides a mother or father in your situation can possibly dare to understand.

    I have this neurotic thing with screening calls, but I want you to email me your cell number. I can text you first ahead of time so you know who it is when this weird behind number comes up…. But when I mentioned this to you before I was serious. You need some support and not being able to get what you need is going to drive you to madness.

    I know advising you on how to handle the situation as it impacts your children is not going to be my forte, but you need a female voice, an adult who has suffered this pain… so you can get it all out. You need to be able to vent without worrying about hurt feelings or judgment or criticsm. With my past with Kevin and things we have both had to see, I think I can be a better support than most people will ever understand. You’ve got me boo. All you need to do is just reach back. I won’t leave you hanging.

    • Thanks..I will message you today…It has been a rough time here but its like the world heard my cry and a very good friend (whos # I lost) found me and called me and made me feel worth it again. Now I will have you and I am very happy about that…Thanks..I mean it..Thanks…

  2. No no no. That’s what I kept thinking over and over as I read this. I’m sorry you are feeling lonely and sad. It makes me angry that this abusive ex of yours was able to wreak havoc on so many areas of your life. People need people, that’s for damn sure, and I know that I too pushed a lot of people away/let the friendships die when I was in an abusive relationship. I hope that you’re able to find some people to fill your life with… I’ll try to spare you the cliche advice of places to make friends and just hope that you are able to reach out and make some connections soon. What you said about it being easier to be angry than it is to be sad… majorly resonated with me. I have opted for that path many times as well. I’m sending good thoughts your way, I hope this is a better week for you.

  3. Abbey, I would love to be a part of your support group. Every mother needs one. And we don’t live that far apart, at least I don’t think. You can e-mail me as well your number. Hang in there Mama.

  4. I broke down several times reading your story. I had to stop a couple of times and I’m shaking now. Reading my life penned by someone else has never been easy here at WP, but this one is of particular difficulty. I lost so many friends and on trying to re-connect I found they had moved on while I have remained in the same world of hell.
    I have/had not even one friend, no support group, no one. I started blogging and found a wealth of women who are me and they have reached out in bounding heaps of support.
    I tried to steal the old me back and have had and still have to mourn her loss. It is the worst kind of travesty but it is ours and we can share it together.
    I’m sorry this happened to you Abby.

    • I am so sorry that you so upset. It’s amazing how so many things happen to us all that are similar. All tragic but too much alike. I agree that it’s amazing how we come together on this site to support each other. I can honestly say that my closet friend these days is a fellow blogger. We text every day.
      One thing that I am learning is that as much as I miss the old me, I wear my new me proudly. I am not ashamed of being a victim and I am proud to be able to help others….
      I am so glad to have met you. Count me in as a support. My ear is always open and my shoulder always available….

  5. I too had the same problem when I was finally away from my abusive ex husband and it has taken me about 8 years to develop a network of support and those first few years were hard. I would love to be part of your support network and you can be part of mine too because it needs to get bigger! lol if you want email me and we can figure out a way to connect. I have posted my blog here so you can get an idea of who I am.

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