Stress is a funny thing. Not as in ha ha I am enjoying all this stress, more like “Hi I am stress and remember when you thought it had it all under control? I am going to throw some more shit at you and sit back and watch you unravel. Ha” These last 6 years have been a mess. Abuse, DYFS, job shit, legal shit, all of the above. Through it all, I pretty much thought I had it figured out. I dealt with each issue, one at a time and did all unmedicated. I looked each challenge in the eye and knocked it to the ground and beat the shit out of it until it just could not stand up and bother me anymore.
I am tired of fighting. Fighting with the courts, fighting with the schools, and most of all fighting with myself. It was brought to my attention this past week that I have no support system, No one to really sit down and talk to. I never really thought about it. I just never had any time. Between my job, my kids, and school there was no time for life outside of what I was doing. And now I am paying the price. I look around and realize that within all this fighting I have lost myself. I know what I want to do with my life, I know the type of mother, wife, and friend I WANT to be, but I really do not know HOW to be that person.
I struggle on how to see myself aside from the abuse. I am looking for that woman that was there BEFORE that time of my life. That outgoing, happy, secure woman. I see a glimmer of who she is but each time I feel like I take hold of her shirt tails, she takes a quick step and shes gone. She is always just a few steps ahead of me, just slightly out of reach,
As I near my birthday it saddens me to admit that I have no friends. None. Not one. When I am sad, I do not have anyone to reach out to. There is no one that can rush over to my house in a time of crisis. No one to watch my kids in case of emergency. I spent so much time lying about what my life was, that in that process I lost all those that were dear to me. I recall one person that I cut myself from when the abuse started. Looking back, I am sure he would have stopped the friendship, but I did it first. I was so ashamed and afraid that I just cut her off. I loved her so much-we went through so much together. I was there when her mom passed, she watched my oldest son being born. When my life calmed down, I reached out to her. I apologized for leaving, but I tried to explain to her why it was necessary. It was in an email that she broke my heart (this was not a sexual relationship, she was my very best friend in the whole world, like a sister to me). I was trying to reconnect. I was doing ANYTHING I could to try and get my life back. After emails back and forth about possibly getting together this was what she said:
U have to understand y I’m so apprehensive. I’ve been thru a lot n adjusted to the way I go about my day to day so its hard to just fit u back in. Not sure that came out right. Its sounds ruder than what I mean. But ya know
I kept that email. It was sent in 2009. We were friendly for a little bit after that, but not like it was. She moved on, While I was going through my abusive nightmare, life went on without me. Now that I am safe again, well it seemed like everyone was having a hard time fitting me back in. That rejection hurt. It ripped open that wound that was still healing. I was alone. I am still alone. And I am really angry.
I am so angry but I see that my anger is not an emotion. My anger is a reaction to my sadness and my fear. It is easier for me to be angry than it is for me to be sad. I am able to funnel my anger into action. But when those fights, are fought, and the anger is removed, I am still sad, I am still afraid. Most of all, I am still lonely.