Everything in my life has changed. I am officially a single mom. I am now the only adult in the house. I have chopped off all my hair. My kids are growing more independent. I am graduating from community college. While I have had another pseudo-adult in the home, in reality I have been a single mom for at least two years. I have been financially supporting my family with little to no help from the fathers of my children and of course I have always been the one making all the major decisions that occur in my household.
Since October my hair has gone through many changes. It went from long and orange to red to shorter and red to shorter and now its as short as its been since I have been 16. And I love it. Every second that I save and that my hair is always done. And that I don’t care that my ex hates it (kinda makes me love it more). To me its a new beginning. A fresh start. I feel free and young, and amazing. I am starting a new chapter in my life. I am graduating from community college with an associates degree. A feat that I never really thought I would accomplish. I am hopefully continuing on to my 4 year college of choice where I can advance to step 2 of my goals of getting a masters degree.
I have been lucky to find a wonderful program that is helping me to let go and let G-d. Whatever that G-d means to me-because I really am not sure all the time. I know I have a higher power, and that she is looking out for me (yes she). I am learning to admit my powerlessness in life and even though it is a daily struggle, I am starting to realize that the more I attempt to control every aspect of my life and the lives of my kids, the less control I actually have. What a lesson that I am learning and growing with. I have learned to trust a little more, and by doing this I have found a woman that is not only a friend, but is truly a sister to me. She deals with my crazy and lets me know when it needs to be reigned in. She laughs with me, cries with me, and stays with me until I put the kids to bed.
I am doing things that I almost never thought possible to do without a partner. I threw a birthday party for my son today. All by myself. Besides the women who worked at the spot where I had it (they are angels) I figured it out on my own. I had to talk the demons of self doubt out of my head, and am realizing that I am able to do ANYTHING I want to or need to all by myself. Not that I would not accept help, but what a feeling to know that I can accomplish anything on my own.
I am placing my fears to the side. I allow myself to remember them, but do not allow them to debilitate me any longer. So while change can be scary it is also freeing. I am free to start to live again. Start to be the woman that I want my daughter to be like and the woman that I want my boys to look up to. This road ahead of me will be hard. It will have many bumps, but for the first time in a long time, rather than fearing those bumps, I am looking forward to the challenges they bring.