Being a single mom has its own pressures, its own set of challenges that I am still learning how to deal with. Having your ex living in your home (which I am currently dealing with) is its own set of rules that I don’t understand. I have learned so far that even when its not “my weekend”, its my weekend. I am learning that even though the other parent is physically in the home, that does not mean I have the luxury of actually getting some adult time.
This is a lesson that I learned today. You see, this is officially not my weekend, so I made plans. I was invited to an adult only BBQ that I have been looking forward to for weeks. I have reminded “dad” about this event. We have spoken in length about this. However, today, I was reminded that it doesn’t matter if I have plans. I was reminded that my need to unwind and actually have some adult time sans kids is irrelevant. Now don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my kids. But mama needs a break too sometimes.
While I wanted to lose my shit and scream, I swallowed back the tears of disappointment and gathered the kids and went to the park. Another lesson that I am learning is that no matter how angry I am, and even when I am in the right, I will no longer yell and scream at “dad” in front of the kids. They don’t need to see that crap anymore. They don’t need to feel what I am feeling, and they don’t need to feel guilty because mom wanted to go out and she has to stay with them.
So off to the park we went. For the most part it was a good day with the kids. You see, another difficult part of being a single mom with 3 kids, is that they all want to do something different and I am only 1 person. At any given moment someone is not going to be happy. So we milked cows, saw the pigs and sheep, played in the playground, flew a kite and some drones. Had a few meltdowns, and then came home.
On our way home, my son said something so sad that it broke my heart and then repaired it at the same time. He said this to me “Mom, it makes me sad that “dad” would rather hang out with his girlfriend than spend some time with us. But Mom its ok you know why? You love us enough to make up for it. I know you are tired and sometimes we drive you crazy, and I know that having “dad” here makes you sad, but all we need is you. You are the best.”
And with that statement, I knew that even though I have no idea what I am doing half the time, I must be doing something right. That my kids love me so much and they can feel that love I have for them. And through all the pain and disappointment, all I need to do is think about that. When I am feeling down, all I need to do is remember what my son said to me and I will be reminded that it will all be ok.