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The first day of the last time

Being a mom is hard. Being a mom with “regular” kids is hard. Being a married mom is hard. Being a single mom is hard. Being a mom with kids with special needs is hard. Being a mom that works outside the home is hard. Being a mom that works inside the home is hard. Hands down, no matter how you look at it, being a mom is, at least for me, the hardest job I have ever had.

Today, I just feel like I have failed at my job. My daughter cried today because she said that this is going to be the worst summer ever. This last year has been incredibly difficult. I haven’t worked a traditional job in 2 years. The degree I worked so hard for stopped after community college and I decided that I would go a new course since I was unable to secure the funding it would take to finish my bachelors/masters degree. A month ago, I was forced to take a break from Beauty School because the State of NJ rejected my paperwork and wanted to make sure – for no better way to explain it- that I was not a total piece of crap since I got into some trouble with the law 8 years ago. On Wednesday my phone screen shattered and I cant afford to fix it and so I have no phone. No way to communicate with, well pretty much anyone.

And today my daughter cried because she felt that. She understood that we are broke. Believe me when I say that I have tried to be creative to hide that we have nothing from the kids. I can usually find fun things to do that are close to home and that are free or cheap. But there was always some sort of money coming in. This has not been the case for a year. So as my daughter cried, I felt like a failure. I feel that I failed them as a mom and I feel that I failed them at picking good dads that would help out when I was in a bind.

But the wonderful thing about being on the bottom, is that there is no where else to go but up. So, I put my dreams of being a cosmetologist on hold for a little bit and I will look for a job. I don’t care where, I don’t care what I do, but never again will my daughter or my sons feel the crunch of not having enough.

being a mom

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