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I hate everyone right now, kinda…

He brings out the worst in me. The raving lunatic screaming fanatic in me. He is the only person who can make me go from normal to insane in less than 30 seconds. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I have to watch every word I say because it’s always being recorded when he’s with his girlfriend. I hate the fact that when I try to stay calm and just let things go he pushes and pushes until I can take no more.

This isn’t even my weekend with my kids. But I know if I don’t take them to their sporting activities they won’t get there so I give up my own personal time. I don’t care, I love my kids, doesn’t bother me to spend time with them. Halfway through my day I got the phone call that there was a mysterious birthday party that suddenly an invite appeared for my children. Being a good mom I told him sure they can go what time? The answer was that they were leaving at 5 o’clock knowing full well my oldest son wouldn’t get back from his visit with his dad until seven.

I left the football field, with my two children and my significant other about to go back to the house that I shared with the bane of my existence. I sent a quick text message just to let him know that my significant other would be in the house while I showered and give haircuts to my children so that he would let me know if he was going to return. I was trying to be considerate. And that’s when the insanity began. “So does that mean I can’t get into my house?” That statement alone was made so that I would think that he would be returning very shortly. So after an argument I returned my significant other to his home and got back to my house with my children.

Of course the narcissist wasn’t there. After another argument on the phone I became a raving lunatic once again because of the blatant disrespect, the blatant purposeful ruining of the rest of my afternoon. The narcissist showed up to literally take my children and go never to enter the house.

So I sit here alone without my significant other waiting for my other son. So angry at myself for allowing myself to be brought down to the level of a screaming raving lunatic. When does it end? When do I get to move on with my life and enjoy my life? Be patient I’m told, don’t argue i’m told. But the purposeful malice in the behavior is so frustrating. The fact that The narcissist does not contribute and doesn’t even have a car seat and expect me to give it up to is too much to bear. But I asked to please make sure the children are home early because we need to be at the football field at 7:45 in the morning and I’m told they’ll get back with they get back is like a giant fuck you to my face. I know when he leaves this will stop.Because he’ll never make contact with his child. Every time he’s left it’s been weeks sometimes months before he’s called. And believe me I wish I could just tell him to leave but Unfortunately even squatters have rights. So I sit here angry with myself embarrassed because I gave them exactly what they wanted to see. The crazy “baby mother” who always tries to ruin a good time. But it’s so much deeper than that. I’m lonely, even when surrounded by so many people. sharing children with not one but three narcissists is so lonely.

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