Little Big Things

Looking down the hallway

I am not about opening doors when I do not know what is lurking behind them. I have had WAY to many surprises over the last 10 years that I was not amply prepared for. Yet, I find myself, now, at 40 standing in a long hallway.  On either side there are many doors, almost as if I am standing in a not so fun house.

Every door has a path. Every door has another door. Each decision will impact the next. Once you open a door, you can not unopen it. Once you walk through the door, you are forever changed.

I have so many decisions to make. Each decision is weighted, agonized over, again, and again, and again. The lines are so thin, easily stepped over, boundaries broken. Where do I end and they begin? When one fight ends, there is another right around the corner.

These doors are all around me and it takes strength and bravery to not run away. To try to go back to where I came from. It is easier there. As painful as it is, I am familiar with that closed door. I am familiar with the pain, the agony, and the sorrow.

Yet, go back I can not. That door has closed. That hallway is gone. Ahead of me lies a new adventure. A new journey. A new beginning.  As I take each step, fear grips me. I look behind, wishing I could turn around, knowing I can not. Step, by step, going further into the unknown.

I touch a doorknob, and then withdraw, as if an electrical current has shot through my body. Again, I turn away, looking behind me, yearning for the familiar. But turn away I can not. I must walk forward, putting one foot in front of me, step by step.

I force myself to continue walking. Forcing myself to open my eyes, refusing to make a blind decision. Forcing myself to look at where I am going, and what I am doing. This time, I will pull my shoulders back, stand tall. I will choose a door, for better and for worse. I will walk through it and no matter what comes my way I will face it with kindness. I will face it with grace. I will face it with conviction. I will smile, and cry, and scream and yell, but I will take whatever comes my way with my face forward and standing tall. This is my hallway. This is my door. This is my future. This is mine.

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